I'm pants shitting drunk right now
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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