I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
