hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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