Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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