That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
