The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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