Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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