Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
