My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
