omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
