I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
They took my balls.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
