so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
