I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
