Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
