i need an iv and a liver transplant
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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