They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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