I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
