Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
