i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
