I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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