I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
