ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
