Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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