Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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