i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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