Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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