Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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