i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
