Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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