Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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