Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
