So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Mom said you looked used
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
