why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
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