Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
