So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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