My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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