I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
