ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
