I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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