I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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