We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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