Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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