Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
