Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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