yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I FOUND THE LEGS
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
