My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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