What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
