Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
