I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
