Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
