Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you didnt know i had herpes?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
