I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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