Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My feet surprised me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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