May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
