Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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