This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
