I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I didn't shave. On purpose
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
