You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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