My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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