so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
