You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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