dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
