I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
